Everything You Could Ever Wish For
by yeecat
Summary: Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson have a stupid argument and Mario-Kart to the death, John Laurens proposes to a turtle, and Aaron Burr gets locked in a Port-A-Potty. You already know too much. Burr POV because he's my favorite (don't kill me) (cover art is mine)
1. I thought the sky was yellow?

As always no offense to the real people.

This is my first time writing in present tense. When it goes into past tense that's Burr remembering how this all happened so you don't get the past confused with the present

modern AU (how original am I right)

(...that was sarcasm...)

I regurt nutin'.

Alexander Hamilton's voice rises so much that Aaron Burr is willing to bet the king of England can hear him.

"Jefferson you FREAKING idiot!" Hamilton shrieks like a rabid bandicoot (phrase I use a lot-just means high-pitched and loud, plus it's fun to say) "The sky is BLUE, GOSH DARN IT!"

"It's blue now," Thomas Jefferson shouts, just as loud, "But what about when it's NIGHT TIME, HUH?! Then it's BLACK!"

"Who the HECK said ANYTHING about NIGHT TIME?!" Hamilton yells.

"I DID!" Jefferson screams back. "Are you DEAF as well as STUPID?!"

"If you don't shut up soon, we'll all be deaf," Burr calls but of course neither of them can hear him.

Burr sighs as he recalls how this whole mess started.

First of all, Hamilton's wedding just ended about twenty minutes ago. The majority of the guests were gone, leaving Burr, John Laurens, Marquis de Lafayette, Hercules Mulligan, Angelica Schyuler, and of course Hamilton and his new wife Eliza, which is still a lot of people.

Then there is Jefferson. He wasn't invited. He just came because he wanted to watch Eliza say "I don't" to Hamilton. (she didn't) He even brought a camera to record it.

Once most of the guests left Jefferson demanded to know why Eliza had agreed to marry the most obnoxious, (Burr has no objection to that) schreechiest (which if it even was a word, Burr now thought that title may belong to Jefferson himself) smelliest (Burr could barely resist the urge to go over and sniff Hamilton to see if that was true) dumbest (Burr also had to objection to that-yet. Jefferson was a close second, though) person ever.

Well Hamilton overheard and misunderstood what Jefferson had said. Apparently he thought that Jefferson was suggesting that Eliza should have married him instead of Hamilton.

"She's my wife now, back off, you dog poop," Hamilton snapped. "If you wanted her, you should've been quicker, 'cause now you're too late."

"I don't want her!" Jefferson exclaimed. "Who do you think I am-Burr?"

Burr chose to pretend he had never heard that. He supposed it was a reference to the fact that he was in love with a married woman, but it wasn't his fault.

"Then why were you saying that junk to Eliza?" Hamilton demanded.

Burr rolled his eyes. "God, the two of you could fight over what color the sky is."

Looking back, Burr very deeply regrets every opening his mouth and being such a Hamilton, because now here were Hamilton and Jefferson, fighting over what color the sky is.

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF DEAF PEOPLE!" Hamilton hollers (every notice how many synonyms there are for screaming?)

"I'm NOT. I'm making fun of YOU," Jefferson retorts.

"That's not nice!" cries Hamilton.

"YOUR FACE IS NOT NICE!" Jefferson burns him get burr'ned boi. whoops wrong character who cares though

"I AM AWARE ABOUT MY PROBLEM YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME," Hamilton sobs.

"Do you guys even remember why you were arguing in the first place?" Eliza asks.

"No," they both answer.

"It's a miracle. They've agreed on something," Burr remarks dryly. Mulligan snorts.

"WE MUST SETTLE THIS," Hamilton declares, still speaking at the top of his lungs. Burr wonders if he can ever get tired of screaming. He prays that there is some way for Hamilton to shut up already gosh.

"Weehawken, dawn, guns drawn?" Jefferson suggests.

"What NO, we're not going to SHOOT each other," Hamilton says, looking disgusted.

Jefferson shrugs. "Well it seemed like a good idea at the time," he mutters self-consciously. It's a nice change from the yelling.

"How could zat sound like a good idea?" Lafayette asks. (accents ohh boy can't write accents for the life of me I swear)

"We shall Mario-Kart," Hamilton announces. "TO THE DEATH."

"Sounds reasonable," Jefferson agrees.

"Holy snot rocket they did it again," Mulligan gasps.

"Did you just say 'holy snot rocket''? Angelica asks him skeptically.

"Whazzit to ya," Mulligan replies in a fake New York accent.

"Um, alexander," Laurens says nervously. "You're not really going to Mario-Kart Jefferson to the death, are you?"

"Of course I am," answers Hamilton with extreme conviction.

"I think you partied a little too much," Burr tells him.

"YEAH WELL Aaron Burr, sir, I think YOU partied TOO LITTLE," Hamilton responds hotly.

"Let's go Mario-Kart," Jefferson says.

"To Lafayette's house!" Hamilton cries.

"Uh, what?" Lafayette puts in. "Why me?"

"Because you have a Wii and your house smells nicer than everyone else's," Hamilton says. "Jefferson have you ever considered using Febreeze like muh man Lafayette over here? Or you know at least showering would be nice."

It is a rare and fortunate occasion as Jefferson does not take Hamilton up on his attempts to stir another argument. Burr has to stop himself from dropping to his knees and shouting, "THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU YOU'RE AMAZING BEST DUDE EVER 10/10 CAN YOU SHUT THEM UP ALL THE TIME PLEASE BUT THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH THANK YOU OHHH PRAISE THE LORD"

"Is this really happening?" Laurens asks.

"I guess," Mulligan answers unconvincingly.

"Who in the world did I marry?" Eliza wonders, staring at Hamilton.

The guy I wanted to marry," Angelica replies.

"Same," says Laurens.

"What?" Mulligan questions.

"What" Laurens echoes back at him.

"Come ON," Jefferson complains. He and Hamilton are waiting impatiently at the door.

"Let's get this over with," Burr sighs.

They follow Hamilton and Jefferson to Hamilton's car in the almost empty parking lot. Burr and the others hang back because unsurprisingly, there is an argument going on yet again. Burr doesn't even know why. He isn't sure if he wants to.

"We will split up here, because my car can't hold all of you there's too many grown children here," Hamilton says.

"Isn't a grown child just an adult?" Jefferson asks him.

"NO IT'S A GROWN CHILD THAT'S WHY I SAID GROWN CHILD NOT ADULT GEEZ LOOIZ JEFFERSON," Hamilton shouts, exasperated. Burr wishes he brought some headache medicine. He should've realized by now that whenever he's around Hamilton he leaves with a migraine. He continues in a voice that would be normal volume for most people but is quiet for him. "Also I can't be forced to have to smell Jefferson crack any more rats over here. If you're a nose-blind idiot go with him."

"And if you're a brain-dead jerk, go with Hamilton," Jefferson interjects.

"Well seeing as you are my husband, I'll go with you, Alexander," Eliza says.

"HA" Hamilton crows. "I got picked first." He stuck his tongue out at Jefferson like a five-year-old taunting the "it" in a game of tag.

"I'm regretting my decision," Eliza rolls her eyes.

"To drive with him or to marry him?" Burr inquires.

"Both."

"Well..." Laurens says slowly. "If Alex and Eliza are getting divorced... I CALL DIBS! HE'S MINE, SUCKA!" he shouts in Angelica's face.

"I am zo confused," Lafayette says.

"Same," everyone but Jefferson, Hamilton, and Laurens agrees.

"Let's go go already," Jefferson whines. It is hard for Burr to tell which is more childish.

Hamilton picks his nose and chews the booger thoughtfully.

Burr decides Hamilton is more childish.

"Angelica, John, as my other options for a spouse, you're coming with me, fulz," Hamilton decides.

"Oh...kay?" Angelica pretends like she isn't super excited, but Burr knows the truth. She wants to be with Hamilton real bad and she's very happy that she will be.

"AW YAY-UH!" Laurens does a fist-pump. He is not so good at hiding his feelings.

"So I guess we're going with Jefferson?" Mulligan says looking perplexed.

"Ehh I can handle Jefferson but I don't want to be in ze same car as Burr," Lafayette says firmly. He points at Burr. "You are the worst."

"Oh wow. Thanks so much Laf," Burr says sarcastically.

Lafayette gives him a puzzled looks. "I jus zaid I hate you."

"That was sarcasm," Burr sighs yet again. He realizes his "friends" make him do that a lot. He needs some better friends.

"Lafayette, you can come with us," Hamilton offers.

"Yeah I can totally see why you don't want to be near Burr," Laurens adds.

Burr glares at him. "You're awful friends, you know."

Hamilton hugs Laurens. "Shhh," he whispers in his ear. "Don't listen to him. You're a great friend. I love you." He licks Laurens' ear and Laurens giggles in a really girly-girl way.

"I did not need to see that," Jefferson comments. He looks at Hamilton's car, where the words "Just Married" are spray-painted on the back windshield. "By the way, you spelled 'married' wrong. It's marryed, with a y."

"No, it's not," Hamilton argues.

Burr covers his ears and moans as Jefferson and Hamilton launch into their fourth fight in the past fifteen minutes.

* * *

About twenty minutes later, Hamilton is able to convince Jefferson that married is spelled with an i and not y. It involved a lot of strong language, looking it up on Wikipedia, claims that Wikipedia is full of lies, looking it up on , and shoving cell phones into faces.

Strange, horrifying things Burr will never be able to un-see.

But at last they all load into the cars. Jefferson drives down the road. Burr is concerned because he's not positive that Jefferson is sober. Jefferson complains non-stop about Hamilton.

Burr, who is in the back seat to get as far away from Jefferson as possible, moans and bangs his head against the window.

"You sound like a dying bandicoot giving birth," Mulligan, who is also in the back for the same reason, informs him. He pauses. "And is also male."

Burr stops banging his head and moaning to say, "How is that even possible?"

"YO are you even listening to me?" Jefferson demands.

"Of course," Burr lies.

Jefferson continues his rant. Burr continues to bang his head against the window and groan like a dying male bandicoot going into labor. Mulligan plugs his ears in an attempt to tune out the equally annoying sounds.

At last they arrive at Lafayette's house. Jefferson curses as he sees that Hamilton's car is already there. He races inside.

Burr and Mulligan follow more slowly. Neither of them really want to walk in on what's about to happen.

"Took you long enough," Hamilton observes as they walk in. "We've already set up the Mario-Kart. We will play three games. Best two out of three. Whoever loses will die." He says the last sentence so simply as though it is not insane at all.

"Wait, guys-" Burr begins in a reasonable tone.

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" Laurens explodes. "You will NOT be killing each other, GOOD LORD! You will have a HUMANE AND SENSIBLE punishment for the loser!"

"If the punishment is humane and sensible then it's not fun," Jefferson complains.

"Yeah and then it's not to the death," Hamilton points out, like _not_ Mario-Karting to the death would be insane.

"I think I figured it out. They have dumb arguments. But when it's a _really_ stupid topic-so stupid that the word stupid doesn't even begin to cover it-, then they agree," Burr says.

"So basically they're just idiots?" Lafayette translates.

"I believe so."

"See, this is why I don't like you, Burr."

"LET THE MARIO-KART BEGIN!" Hamilton screams out of nowhere.


	2. Holy Bandicoot Toot!

As always, no offense to the real people (though really this story could be taken as extremely offensive)

wowzers some reviews so nifty and favs and follows wow

yup yup here's more of this

I feel so happy when people like my fanfics

this is also turning out to be a lot longer than I expected 6 chapters and 90 pages written in the notebook and when I originally came up qith the 3 main ideas I thought it would be 10 pages at the most

sorry for how long it's taken me to update (almost a month wow)

I'm not proof-reading DELI WITH IT FULZ

so let's go go

also try to pronounce the acronym for the title- EYECWF. My gosh.

"Are you seriously choosing Princess Peach?" Jefferson asks scornfully.

"HECK YEAH!" Hamilton replies defiantly. "Princess Peach is DA SWAGGIEST SWAG. And besides, you're picking a freaking turtle monster."

"TuRtLe!" Laurens cries in a strangled, high-pitched shriek.

"His name is BOWSER, you DUMMY," Jefferson says to Hamilton.

"I do not get Mario. Or boys. Or why this is even happening," Angelica shakes her head.

"I feel the same way," Eliza agrees.

Burr and the others are sitting squished on the couch. Hamilton and Jefferson are on the floor, their faces about three inches away from the television screen. Burr doesn't even bother trying to explain to them how unhealthy that is. He just stays silent and watches the chaos of Mario-Kart unfold.

"Round one," Hamilton speaks like a wrestling show announcer. "That question will be answered this Sunday night-"

"What question?" Jefferson asks.

"THAT question," Hamilton says. "We're going to do the one with the giant bouncy mushrooms 'cause I said so that's why," he adds before Jefferson can question it. "And heck if I can remember what it's called, does it even matter."

"Mushroom gorge," Lafayette supplies.

"It's like he's fighting with himself," Burr observes, "He's insane."

"I like insane guys," Laurens sighs dreamily.

"yeah if you like Hamilton that's pretty obvious," Burr says.

"You can be a real jerk sometimes," Laurens frowns at him.

"I get that a lot, actually," Burr says thoughtfully.

"Yeah, wonder why," Laurens scoffs.

"Stop fighting there's enough of me for everyone," Hamilton doesn't look away from the screen as he speaks.

"Oh my," says Lafayette.

"Actually there's only enough of you or me because I'M YOUR WIFE," Eliza corrects him. "Remember we got married just like an hour ago?"

"And don't think I'm over that," Laurens adds. "I WILL have my revenge on you, Eliza."

Burr snorts. "And you said I was a jerk."

"Can we please focus on the freaking Mario-Kart?!" shouts Jefferson.

"HOLY BANDICOOT TOOT," Hamilton exclaims. "Why am I in twelthf place?!"

"12th," Burr says.

ok so maybe I don't actually know how to write 12th as a word ok don't judge me

Hamilton continues, not paying attention to Burr. "Why am I in last place? We haven't even begun yet!"

"This is going to be a long night," Burr predicts.

"That's how Mario-Kart works," Jefferson points out.

Hamilton refuses to listen. He throws his Wii remote on the floor, drops to his knees, and shakes his fist passionately towards the ceiling.

"Why, God, why me?" Hamilton demands.

"Why _me?"_ Burr moans, covering his face with his hands.

"Why not him?" Hamilton points at Jefferson. "What did _I_ do to deserve this?"

"You were born," Jefferson offers helpfully.

It is too late to turn back now. Hamilton is having a full-blown temper tantrum at God because he started out in last place in a game of Mario-Kart.

Burr needs to find some better friends. It seems he has some kind of idiot magnet. But you know what they say-opposites attract. So on the bright side that must mean Burr is super duper pooper smart which he already knew but still.

(Well as smart as somebody who says super duper pooper can be)

Hamilton flails his arms and legs, wailing unintelligibly. He reminds Burr of a very young child unable to get the toy he wants at a store.

Eliza pulls her husband away. She tells Jefferson not to start yet. Jefferson complains about how long it's taking for their Mario-Kart match to begin.

A few minutes late the Hamiltons return to Lafayette's living room. (I know nobody cares but I spelled that livering first I think it's funny so yeahhhh) Burr doesn't ask what happened. He knows.

Alexander plops down next to Thomas.

"I will murder you," he threatens calmly.

"Not if I murder you first," Jefferson counters.

And so, at long last, the first Mario-Kart race begins.

Burr watches as Princess Peach passes Bowser, putting Hamilton in eleventh place. Hamilton cheers, his earlier meltdown seemingly forgotten. Hamilton passes Luigi. Jefferson gets a speed block and rushes up the rankings. He is ninth place. Hamilton is in tenth.

They get more speed blocks. Soon Hamilton is fourth and Jefferson in fifth. Then they switch and within again.

"Zis es _intense,"_ Lafayette comments, his eyes glued to the screen.

As sad as it is, Burr agrees. He's pretty sure it's a sign of failing at life when you could consider a game of Mario-Kart to be so intense.

The two of them arrive at the mushrooms. At first both Hamilton's and Jefferson's characters bounce around with ease.

Suddenly Hamilton, who is in second place, is inked by a squid thingy. His side of the screen is splattered with huge patches of black. Princess Peach plummets to her doom.

Once again Hamilton throws his controller on the ground.

"NOOOOOOO!" he sobs. "She was so young! She had so much more to give! Why did you take her? Answer me, God dang it!"

"Alexander," Eliza speaks in a soothing voice like she's addressing a wild, unpredictable animal (which Burr feels would be an accurate description of Hamilton right now) "Look at the screen."

Hamilton raises his tear-filled eyes to the television. He gasps. "She has returned from the grave! It's a miracle! PRAISE THE LORD!" he exclaims. He pauses, narrowing his eyes. "Wait. Now she's a zombie!"

"Just race, sweetie," Eliza says patiently.

After that interesting turn of events, Hamilton has returned to last place. He grabs his Wii remote and snorts it.

"How's it smell?" Laurens asks, grinning.

"Almost as good as you," Hamilton answers.

Laurens blinks, looking confused, then raises his armpits to get a quick whiff. Burr can smell it from where he's sitting on the opposite end of the couch. It's bad enough to make him gag. The Wii remote must smell horrendous if it's worse than Laurens.

Hamilton continues to race. Jefferson is in first place. He has begun his second lap. It seems Hamilton will not win this round.

Of course, knowing Hamilton, he isn't going to ever give up. He's also going to scream and call Mario, who is right in front of him, words Burr never would have predicted Mario would be called.

Hamilton is very unpredictable, in the strangest way possible.

"Hey Laf," Burr taps Lafayette on the shoulder.

"Don't touch me," Lafayette orders without even looking away from the screen.

Oh Jeez louis man some times (ok always) it feels like everyone except Burr is a complete idiot.

"Do you have some Tylenol or something?" Burr asks.

"Oui oui zere should be some in ze medicine cabinet in ze bathroom." Lafayette turns to look at Burr with a hopeful expression. "Are you going to kill yourzelf with a overdoze?" (all the grammar mistakes I made trying to make him sound Frenchy)

"No." burr scowls at Lafayette. Before he can stop himself he adds, "and it's _an_ overdose, not a overdoze."*

Lafayette sinks back and looks at the screen. He mutters a French word under his breath. It is not a nice word. "This is why I don't like you, Burr," he grumbles.

"Because I don't want to commit suicide?" Burr says sarcastically.

"I don't even know how to answer that" Lafayette replies.

"Then don't." Burr gets up and walks to the bathroom.

He finds the Tylenol in the medicine cabinet just like Lafayette said. Burr pauses before pooping the pills in his mouth.

What if Lafayette poisoned the Tylenol?

Well that was pretty stupid actually. How would Lafayette have even known Burr would be taking some Tylenol? He hadn't even known Burr would be in his house until...well until Burr was in his house. Besides Lafayette didn't hate Burr _that much._

(actually he probably did but Burr doesn't want to be worrying about Lafayette possibly murdering him)

Burr decides to take the Tylenol. Even if he dies it's worth it because the headache Hamilton gave him is just that bad. He drinks some water straight out of the faucet. He likes his water fffffrrrrrreeeeeeessssssshhhhhhh.

There's extra-loud yelling down the hall.

"THIS GAME IS RIGGED!" Hamilton screams.

Burr knows he should stay in the bathroom and wait it out. But he is very curious. It must be from Hamilton's bad influence. So Burr sneakity snakes out to watch.

On the screen is the scoreboard. They must have finished the first match. First place is Bowser. Jefferson won.

Burr walks in on Jefferson's terrifying victory dance. Jefferson dabs rapidly then does the whip and the nae nae. He collapses onto the floor to attempt to do the worm while dabbing. It is a sight that will give Burr nightmares for as long as he lives. Desperately Burr wants to look away but he is captivated by Jefferson's nightmarish dance.

"You!" Hamilton turns on Lafayette, distracting Burr from Jefferson. THANK GOD.

"Moi?" Lafayette says innocently.

"You rigged the Mario-Kart!" Hamilton accuses. He drops down on his knees and begins to cry. "How could you, Lafayette?" You've betrayed me!" Hamilton shouts through his tears.

"I didn't do anyzing! I zwear!" Lafayette protests.

"And now you're SWEARING," Hamilton sobs. "You used to be such a good kid!"

"You never even knew me az a child. I was in France," Lafayette points out. "Bezides I've been zwearing since I met you." See more evidence that Hamilton is an awful role-model.

"Calm down, Alexander," Eliza comforts her psychotic husband. "There are still two more rounds."

Hamilton sniffles and smiles at her. "Thank you, Eliza. You're always there when my friends betray me." He glares pointedly at Lafayette who raises his hands like a criminal caught by the cops.

"Now go kick Jefferson's butt," Eliza leans in to kiss him on the lips.

Laurens practically flies off the couch, shrieking. He grabs Eliza and forcefully yanks her away from Hamilton.

"Don't kiss him!" Laurens orders. His arms and legs are shaking.

"Wha-He's my husband, you freak!" Eliza exclaims.

"Laurens, calm down," Hamilton says.

Burr shuffles away from them, closer to the bathroom. He doesn't go all the way in, because he wants to be able to see everything.

 _Everything._

Laurens releases Eliza. He grabs Hamilton by his shirt collar. Burr realizes that all the guys, including himself, and still wearing their tuxedos from the wedding, and the girls are still wearing their dresses. It feels like it's been years since the Hamiltons were married (for you it feels more like a month probably)

"I loved you!" laurens wails.

"Uh I love you too?" Hamilton seems sane compared to Laurens, and that's saying A LOT.

"I LOVED YOU!" Laurens repeats, louder and more emotional this time. Burr sees actual tears running down his face. "And you betrayed me!"

"I thought Lafayette was the traitor," Burr says.

"I'm going to show you how it feels!" Laurens continues heatedly. "I'm going to get married, too!"

"Um. Congratulations?" Hamilton tries.

Laurens runs out of Lafayette's house, sobbing uncontrollably.

Eliza shakes her head. "I KNEW we shouldn't have had alcohol at that party!"

*actually overdoze is a word it means sleeping too much**

**it does now

eeeh I love Burr he's so grumpy

but super nifty the niftiest

it recognizes niftiest?

Yes so again, sorry for taking so long to update, please review

hopefully I'll update sooner this time


	3. The Turtle Bride

ahhh x3 thanks for all reviews and support everyone

oh my lord it takes me so long to update so sorry everyone this chapter is REALLY long which is part of my excuse, the other part being that I lost The Holy Notebook and just found it Nov 28 (about a month since my last update)

very long chapter loads of dialogue

as always no offense intended to the real people

"Should we follow him?" Mulligan wondered.

"We better." Burr sighs. He looks out the door. Laurens has gone several yards away. Fortunately he is running, not driving. That is fortunate for many reasons, one being that he would be a lot farther away if he was driving, another being that he clearly is not sober and would probably get into an accident.

Hamilton runs outside, chasing Laurens. "JOOOOOHNNNNNN NO DON'T LEAVE ME!"

"STOP FOLLOWING ME YOU CREEP!" Laurens yells over his shoulder.

The others catch up to Hamilton. "Is now a bad time to confess that I like to watch him while he sleeps?" Hamilton asked, too quiet for Laurens to hear.

"Alexander." Burr places a hand on Hamilton's shoulder and solemnly looks him in the eye. "It is _always_ a bad time to confess that you like watching people sleep."

"Just _one_ person," Hamilton protests, as if that makes it better.

"You're a freaking stalker," Jefferson says.

"I think that's a compliment!" Hamilton chirps.

"Where is Laurens going?" Angelica asks, probably trying to change the subject. She pointed at his retreating shape.

"Ze park?" Lafayette guesses.

"Oh yeah he loves that place," Hamilton nods thoughtfully. "I like to watch him when he goes there to sketch turtles. He's really se-"

"WOAH BOY," Angelica interrupts loudly.

Eliza gives Hamilton an odd look. "Where you about to say what I think you were?"

"I was going to say se,uh... se... yeah, okay you know," Hamilton admits.

"LET'S GO," Jefferson orders.

"Who do you think you are bossing us around like that?" Hamilton snaps.

"Somebody's gotta take the lead. It should be the person who becomes president at some point," Jefferson says.

"But you aren't president now," Hamilton argues.

"Why are you even fighting about this?" Burr demands.

"At least it makes more sense than how many o's are in the word bandicoot," Eliza shrugs.

"Laurens iz getting away," Lafayette says.

He was very far now, so so far. He's so far that Burr is being to reconsider chasing him down.

"Wait-" Burr begins.

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND WAITING?" Hamilton shrieks. "WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO SING A WHOLE FREAKING SONG ABOUT WAITING?!"

"Alexander calm down," Eliza strokes his hair.

Hamilton hits her wife's hand. "ONLY JOHNNY BOI CAN DO THAT TO ME," he yells.

"JOHN IS NOT YOUR SPOUSE!" Eliza screams back. Burr is shocked. He has never heard her raise her voice so much before. Even though she's not mad at him, Burr is terrified by the fury in her voice. "JOHN DOES NOT GET TO TOUCH YOU IN WAYS THAT I CAN'T."

"Oh my," Lafayette says.

"That sounds wrong," Angelica says.

"Oh come on like you aren't jealous of John, too," Hamilton says to her.

"WHAT" Angelica yells.

"I'm not jealous of John," Eliza says simultaneously with her sister. "I'm the one who got you, Jesus Christ, Alexander!"

"Or are you?" Hamilton asks.

"SO BURR," Mulligan says loudly. "What were you saying earlier?"

"Huh?"

"When you said 'wait'?" Mulligan prompts.

"Ohhh I forgot about that," Burr says. "Well I was going to say let's think about this. I mean Laurens is so far away already, and this is _John Laurens_ we're talking about. Is it really worth it to go chase him down? Why don't we just go home and wait for him to come back? And if he doesn't, is it really that bad?"

Everyone says at Burr blankly for a few moments.

Lafayette breaks the silence. "Wow. Zat was cold, even for you."

Hamilton grins like the idiot he is. He nudges Burr with his elbow. "So Angelica and Eliza aren't the only jealous lovers over here, huh, Burr?"

"WE ARE NOT JEALOUS," Angelica snaps.

"Wait you guys are lovers?" Mulligan asks.

"Are you jealous, too?" Hamilton wiggles his eyebrows.

"LET'S GO," screams Jefferson.

This time Hamilton does not object. They have wasted a lot of time talking, and everyone except for Burr wants to get going. Burr just follows along. He is what some people would call a "Sheep" and what others would call the first two letters with two other letters behind them.

"I hope we didn't miss John's wedding!" Hamilton says anxiously.

"Pfffft," Jefferson says no really he actually sounds pfffft out, "there's no way he's actually getting married. Nobody would even _date_ him."

 _"I_ would date him!" Hamilton defends Laurens all spicy-like.

"Yeah, and you're a nobody," Jefferson says cheerfully.

"Alexander, you wouldn't be dating anyone because you're married to me," Eliza puts in.

"Oh snap I forgot about that," Hamilton says to Eliza. He turns to Jefferson. "And this is for you." He sticks up his naughty finger.

Jefferson bites the finger. Burr automatically shields Angelica's eyes. Angelica bites his hand.

"What is it with all the biting?" Burr yelps shaking his hand.

"Don't touch my face," Angelica snaps.

Burr is tempted to poke her face now that she just said not to. Good for him he isn't Hamilton and is able to suppress his urges.

"I'm going to get freaking rabies!" Hamilton tries to pull his finger out of Jefferson's mouth, which just causes Jefferson to bite down harder.

Eliza pries open Jefferson's mouth so Hamilton can pull out his finger. Being an idiot also know as himself Hamilton pokes Jefferson's eyes with his naughty fingers.

Hamilton runs off. Jefferson pursues him, shouting some foul bro language at the top of his lungs. Everyone else follows so they can intervene if Jefferson attempts to murder Hamilton. Well, not Burr. He follows, being the sheep he is, but he would not do anything if Jefferson attempts to kill Hamilton. He might actually film it and put it on YouTube. That way maybe he'll get some subscribers. Turns out nobody likes his videos of him waiting. They're really boring and to be honest even Burr isn't sure what he's waiting for all he knows is he's willing to wait for it.

They find Laurens at the park, as Lafayette had guessed. He is standing at the bank of the lake. There is a bagel in his hand. Burr wonders when and where he got that. Maybe the strange conversations they had had (I love when it's proper grammar to say that) taken even longer than he thought.

"Why do you have a bagel?" Mulligan asks.

Laurens whips around and stares at them wildly, like he is rabid as well as drunk. Instead of answering Mulligan's question he says, "You're too late to stop me! She's coming now!"

"It's a she? I zought he was gay," Lafayette says.

"There's no women here," Jefferson says. In fact there is nobody else in the park, which is strange but convenient so Burr doesn't question it.

"Excuse me!" Angelica says angrily, gesturing to herself and Eliza.

"Excuse _you,"_ Jefferson replies rudely, covering his nose as if Angelica just farted.

"That's not what I meant," Angelica growls.

"Laurens, please don't do this," Hamilton begs, "Think about the kittens!"

"You did it first," Laurens snaps without looking away from the pond.

"I bet she's a swamp monster," Jefferson says.

"I bet she's imaginary," Mulligan puts in.

Thinking of Laurens' inexplicable, undying love for turtles, Burr says, "I bet she's a turtle."

"Here she comes!" Laurens announces excitedly. He starts singing, "Here comes the bride! Here comes the bride!"

"If you haven't proposed she's not a bride yet," Burr corrects him.

"Shh," Hamilton whispers.

Burr shuts up. You'd think he'd be better at that since he's always saying "talk less smile more"

Burr and the others peer closer as a tiny shape bobs up and down in the water, approaching the edge of the pond.

A turtle crawls out onto the grass.

"Wow," Lafayette says.

"Ha!" Burr holds out his hand. "Pay up!"

"We didn't bet any money," Jefferson points out.

"Fair enough," Burr agrees.

"Shh I wanted to see," Eliza whispers.

Everyone falls silent as Laurens kneels down.

"Turtle," he says solemnly, "I've been thinking about this a lot, at least since Alex-" he pauses to glare at Hamilton then turns back to the turtle who doesn't appear to be listening, instead waddling off to the left-"and I love you. You're the greatest person, uh, turtle, I've ever met. I decided I'm ready for the next step." Laurens nudges the turtle a little to the right so she is directly in from of him, but she begins moving again instantly. "And if you're ready, too...will you please marry me?"

Eliza sniffles and dabs her eyes very daintily. Then she grabs Hamilton's sleeve and blows her nose all over it.

The turtle stops walking. Laurens holds the bagel in front of her face.

"Is that supposed to be the ring?" Jefferson asks skeptically.

"Yes," Laurens answers.

There is about a full minute where nobody moves or speaks, not even the turtle. Then she (or maybe it's a he Burr has no idea how to tell) stretches out her neck.

"She's going to accept it!" Laurens whispers excitedly. Burr assumes that if the turtle eats the bagel it's the equivalent of her saying yes.

The turtle raises its head closer. Eliza looks as happy as if she were the one about to get married. Even Burr can't help but feel good for Laurens.

Which he knows is stupid, because the man is proposing to a freaking turtle, for Christ's sake.

It feels like the moment right before she bites drags on forever.

Then

she

opens

her

mouth

and...

Misses.

* * *

now two of the three things have happened! Sort of. The Mario-Kart has yet to be completed.

So how will we reach Burr being locked in a Port-A-Potty?

what do you really think i'm going to spoil it

again, so sorry for the late updates, I'll try to update sooner from now on


	4. Turtles prefer sandwiches

whoo left a cliffhanger-ish at least close considering this a humor story end with chapter 3 so here we go resolve that

does she accept the bagel

does she not accept it

will I ever actually write this

the answers when we come back

(as always, no offense to any real people-or turtles)

* * *

The turtle snaps its jaws shut on Laurens' hand. Apparently she can't resist the peer pressure from Jefferson and Angelica to bite fingers.

Laurens screams. He shake his hand, trying to throw the turtle off. She does not release him.

Always a great friend, Jefferson falls onto the ground, laughing hysterically.

"Oh look!" he snickers, "She loves you so much she can't let go!"

Laurens' face brightens. "Oh, ow, hey! You're-OW! Right! OWWW!" He scream again.

"Somebody call an ambulance!" Eliza shrieks.

"I left my phone at Lafayette's house," Burr says.

"I left mine at the church. On purpose. It's the safest place, 'cause nobody would ever steal from a church, because God would see it, and he would know for 100% sure that they broke on of the Ten Commandments, and he'll have proof because as everyone knows Jesus films everything that happens in a church," Hamilton says.

"If anyone has a phone they should also call some mental help for Hamilton," Burr says.

"JUST CALL NINE ONE ONE ALREADY!" Laurens yells.

"I got my phone," Lafayette says. He pulls out a cell phone and stares blankly at the screen for a moment. "Uh what iz ze number?"

(okay every time I try to write French accent I die inside just prepare for a lot more cringe in a lot more laf die-logue)

"911! Like I said!" Laurens shouts.

"Okay, okay, calm down," Lafayette mutters, clicking the number. He holds it up to his ear. "Bonjour. Mon ami has just been bitten by a turtle. He waz trying to propose to it. Not a joke. We're at ze park, near ze pond. Um... Seriously. He waz proposing to a turtle. My accent is not fake...why would you say zat? Bonjour?" A pause. Lafayette put his phone away. "Well, zey gave me ze number for Hamilton's mental help but zey are not coming."

"Oh shoot that's not very good," Mulligan says.

"So now what do we do?" Angelica asks.

"Let's follow Jefferson's lead. We have nothing better to do." Burr flops down on the ground and starts laughing. Laughyette shrugs and does the same.

"SOMEBODY GET THIS FREAKING TURTLE OFF MY HAND!" Laurens screams.

"Hey don't talk to your fiancé like that!" Mulligan says.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Hamilton slow-motion runs like this is Baywatch or something. He preforms the Heimlich maneuver on Laurens.

"I'm not chocking!" Laurens protests.

"I know I just wanted to squeeze you," Hamilton releases him.

"Just get her off!" wails Laurens, shoving his hand with the turtle attached in Hamilton's face.

"Oh hey it's actually a boy," Hamilton says. He rips the turtle from off of Laurens' hand.

Laurens' whole arm falls down.

Laurens and Hamilton stare at it for a few moments, then at each other, then start screaming.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Eliza yells repeatedly.

"how did that even happen?" Burr cries.

Laurens' body starts spasming. His arm slides out of his sleeve. "It's just a prank," he laughs.

"What?" Lafayette asks.

"oh that makes sense. I knew there was no way you would ever actually propose to a turtle," Burr says.

Laurens gives him an injured look. "I actually _did_ propose to the turtle. My arm falling off was the prank."

Burr feels very awkward now.

"But really that hurt so bad." Laurens looks at Hamilton. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I still love you."

"No, I'm sorry. I got married first," Hamilton apologizes.

"Yeah, but you did it with a human," Burr says.

Hamilton ignores him. He grabs Laurens and makes out with him.

"I'm right here, you know," Eliza calls.

"Shh," Lafayette shushes her, still laying on the grass. "Zey are having a moment."

"Alexander you should not be having moments with other people!" Eliza wails.

"I can see why you prefer Laurens," Jefferson tells Hamilton. "She's so whiney!"

"Look who's talking," Angelica retorts.

"When have _I_ ever been whiney?" Jefferson whines.

"Uh, right now?" Angelica says.

"Let's go back now," Jefferson says loudly, clearly trying to change the subject from his whininess. "We need to finish the Mario-Kart."

Hamilton continues kissing Laurens.

"come on let's go already," Jefferson says impatiently, finally getting up.

They continue to smooch.

"God," Jefferson mutters. He yanks Hamilton away, causing him and John to make loud squealing noises. Seeing an opportunity he'll probably never have again, Jefferson shoves Hamilton into the pond.

"BAD DOG, THOMAS," Laurens yells.

"I AM NOT A DOG!" Jefferson snaps.

Hamilton climbs out of the pond. Jefferson kicks him back in.

"That's not very nice," Mulligan says.

"YOUR FACE IS NOT VERY NICE!" Jefferson screams.

"You used zat line already," Lafayette says. "It's old you need something original."

"YOUR FACE NEEDS SOMETHING ORIGINAL!" Jefferson says.

"Well it's closer I guess," Burr says.

"You're getting zere?" Lafayette tries.

"Not really," Hamilton says, still in the pond.

"SO," Jefferson says loudly. "Are we going back to finish the Mario-Kart game or not?"

"Well if you would stop shoving me under water," Hamilton says, "Then yeah sure let's go."

"Alrighty to Lafayette's house!" Jefferson announces.

"Don't say that!" Hamilton warns Jefferson. "Only I get to say that."

"Jeez okay," Jefferson backs up.

"TO LAFAYETTE'S HOUSE!" Hamilton screeches.

"I should have taken an overdose," Burr groans.

"You should have," Lafayette agrees.

* * *

wow record timing got this super short chapter done in like a week lol

unfortunately I'm really busy in real life with play practice and school so don't get used to these speedy updates

I'll update as fast as I can though ^^


	5. Did You Say Dead Bodies?

Gosh this took a long time! It's already the next year 0.o so happy new year! 2017 yay

unfortunately I'm going to be even MORE inactive, because I won't be on fanfiction on weekends, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and now Wednesdays (for the rest of the month) which really stunk because they used to be my best days for this... In late April however I'll be free for all the weekdays

If you want a better quality cover, it's on my deviantArt. I'd link it but Fanfiction won't let me... I have the same name on dA, you can try to find it yourself

There's also some Hamilton x Burr and Hamilton x Angelica in here, pretty minor but I just want you to realize how much pain it put me through to write about Hamilton's relationships with any one other than laurens. I'm suffering for you HamBurr and Hamgelica (? what the heck is that what it's called I just guessed) fans

I hope you're happy

(actuallyilovehamburrbutnotasmuchaslamsforsomereasonionlyextremelysupportgayshipsinhamiltonhuhweird)

OKEYDOKEY on the story..key...

* * *

They return to Lafayette's house to finish the MarioKart game. Burr takes some more Aspirin because he doesn't think he can survive the rest of the day without it.

Hamilton choses the same course, Mushroom Gorge. "To redeem myself after Princess Peach failed me and Lafayette betrayed me," he explains as he picks it.

Burr sits on the floor this time. There really isn't enough room on that couch for six people. Somehow they made they work the first time but not this one. Eliza and John are on either side of Hamilton, both competing for his attention.

Hamilton begins in eleventh place. Lafayette hoped that he wouldn't freak out if he wasn't last, but of course Hamilton will _always_ find a way to freak out.

"Oh! OH! OH!" Hamilton screams repeatedly. "BOOM SHACKA LACKA! You're in LAST PLACE! Do you know why?"

"Because that's how MarioKart works," Jefferson says again.

"NO IT'S BECAUSE YOU **SUCK!"** Hamilton screams.

"When you were in last place, it wasn't because you suck," Jefferson points out. "Not that you _don't_ suck, of course," he adds quickly.

"I DON'T suck. God was unkind to me, THAT'S why I started last," Hamilton argues.

"Just do your Mariokart race," Eliza kisses her husband's cheek.

Laurens glares at her and quickly smooches Hamilton's other cheek.

"I could get used to this," Hamilton says, grinning. "Angelica, Burr, why don't you get in on the action?"

"Uh-wh-wha...?" Burr says, flustered.

"Sure why not," Angelica comes over and makes out with Hamilton.

"Come on, Burr," Hamilton wiggles his eyebrows and makes kissy faces at Burr

"I'm, uh, good, thanks," Burr backs away from Hamilton.

"Welp I'm going to start this race," Jefferson announces.

Just like last time, everything starts out good. Hamilton gets to tenth place, then Jefferson passes him. Hamilton assaults Jefferson with turtle shells which puts Bowser behind Princess Peach. Hamilton and Laurens cheer like the lunatics they are.

"I think John would actually be a better spouse than you, Eliza," Hamilton tells his new wife. "He's a lot more supportive."

"He's a lot more _loud,"_ Eliza corrects him.

"Uh-huh," Hamilton says unconvincingly. "So Burr, are you a good husband?"

"Um... Maaaaaybe?" Burr says.

"Awwww always so humble," Hamilton gushes. Lafayette, Jefferson, and Angelica laugh like crazy as if Hamilton just told the funniest joke in the world which just so we're clear is "why did hamilton cross the road? to get run over by burr's car"

"You guys are real-" Burr begins about to use some big kid language he is the biggest kid of all when he is stopped short by Laurens.

Laurens turns his head to face Burr and watches him. Burr can swear he hears the theme from Psycho playing as Laurens stares stalkerishly at him. Laurens mouths something. Burr isn't 100% sure but he can guess.

"I will murder you."

"Oh my," Burr says. And this whole time he figured Lafayette would be the one to kill him. But Laurens makes sense, too. Actually pretty much anyone killing Burr would make sense. He kind ticks off a lot of people.

Then Laurens turns back to watch the Mario-Kart. Hamilton, in third place, has begun the mushroom bouncing. Jefferson who is in fourth place is getting close.

Hamilton's Princess Peach bounces across the mushrooms. Jefferson is close behind, just starting the mushrooms. They bounce around real nice. The Jefferson passes Hamilton.

Well Hamilton can't do anything without flipping out, especially if he is passed by Jefferson in a game of MarioKart.

Hamilton screams but not in actual words just a loud, angry sound. Then he starts to swear, both in English and French (which hopefully I'll be able to do soon hehehe) He has learned many things from Lafayette, mostly just how to swear in French. Hamilton also calls Jefferson a cheating dog poop.

Eventually Hamilton calms down enough to focus on the MarioKart. He is in second place when he begins the next lap, right behind Jefferson and in front of Daisy.

"Wow, the women are actually chasing Jefferson," Burr jokes.

Hamilton laughs uncontrobably, which sounds more like a chicken suffocating on somebody's foot than a laugh. Everyone else just stares at Burr.

"You know for somebody who's always saying 'talk less, smile more' you sure open your mouth a lot," Lafayette tells him.

The others laugh normally, even Hamilton, which Burr didn't know was possible. Burr gives Lafayette an insulting gesture behind his back and doesn't put it down until Lafayette looks over at him.

Hamilton arrives (with his crew) at the bouncy mushrooms. He falls into the gorge without even jumping. He just scoots to the end...and falls.

"Oh noes," Hamilton says calmly.

Burr braces himself for Hamilton's trademark temper tantrum, but he just waits until Princess Peach re-spawns and continues the race, like a normal person without serious issues. Also known as _not_ Hamilton.

"Are you...okay...?" Burr asks Hamilton. Maybe that alcohol was wearing off...but even if it was, Hamilton was almost never so calm about dying in video games.

"I've never been more okay," Hamilton answers.

"That's exactly why I'm worried," Burr mutters.

Now in fourth place, Hamilton makes it across the mushrooms without falling off. Jefferson falls off the final mushroom. In the time it takes for Bowser to regenerate, Hamilton has passed him and returned to second place.

They finish the race without anyone throwing a temper tantrum. Hamilton comes in third place, Jefferson in fourth.

"Nobody won," Mulligan says.

"Hamilton was closer." Laurens gets real close to Hamilton and they kiss again. Eliza turns bright red and smooches Hamilton, too. Angelica shrugs and does the same.

"Last chaaaaaaaaaance," Hamilton says to Burr in a sing-song voice.

"Okay." Burr comes over and makes out with Hamilton. It feels amazing, the most amazing thing ever... So Burr has to hide it. He pulls away quickly. "Yuck," he spits.

Laurens gives Burr the naughty finger behind Hamilton's back. They've done that a lot recently. It's probably not good fo their souls but who really cares.

"So this round will be the tie-breaker," Laurens decides.

"I'm a win," hamilton says.

"So no interruptions this time?" Jefferson asks, sounded amazed. He looks around at everyone. "Nobody is going to go propose to that squirrel outside?"

Hamilton cranes his neck to peer out a window. "Ooooh," he moans. "That is one hot squirrel."

"ALEXANDER!" Eliza shouted. "As if it wasn't bad enough you love my sister and John- but a squirrel?!"

"You forgot Burr," Hamilton tells her.

"No." Burr says firmly.

"You know you liked it." Hamilton wiggles his eyebrows.

"No, I didn't," Burr snaps. Technically it's not a lie. He didn't like their kiss- he _loved_ it.

"Oooh hard to get. I like that," Hamilton says flirtatously.

Burr sticks up his middle finger.

"Can I lick that please?" Hamilton asks.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT," Burr, Eliza, and Laurens all say at the same time. They stare at each other.

"Let's play the game!" Jefferson shouts.

"I wanna change my character," Hamilton says. "PP has failed me."

"PP?" Lafayette echoes.

"Yeah, it stands for Princess Peach," Hamilton explains.

"Suuuurrrrreeeeeee it does," Lafayette says sarcastically.

Burr realizes what he means. "Ooh spicy."

"You know it," Lafayette winks at him.

"I thought you hated me," Burr says.

"I do." Lafayette raises a fist with something else attached. There's a lot of ways to say that.

"This time I'll pick somebody who reflects my personality," Hamilton announces.

"I thought Princess Peach did that perfectly," Jefferson replies.

Hamilton flips him off.

"Actually I'm picking Yoshi," Hamilton informs them.

"Well then." Burr says.

The third and final round of Mario-Kart begins. Jefferson is still Bowser. Hamilton is in eleventh place, with Jefferson right behind him. They're doing a new course; Jefferson's pick. Burr isn't sure what it's called, but it's fields with little bumps and lots of cows.

Hamilton runs into one of said cows as soon as the race begins. He doesn't try to drive around it. Instead he screams and swears at the cow for blocking his way.

Finally the cow moves out of Hamilton's path. He's far back now in twelfth place after his issues with the cow.

"Cows are God's mistake," Hamilton declares stiffly.

"I'm pretty sure _you're_ God's mistake," Jefferson says.

Hamilton raises a fist. Burr expects to see a certain finger attached, but instead Hamilton punches Jefferson in the face. Jefferson collapses.

Nobody moves or says anything for a moment.

"I think you knocked him out," Burr says at last.

"Cool." Hamilton continues playing Mario-Kart.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Eliza asks.

"No," Hamilton says.

"I'm good with that," Mulligan says

"I really think we should get help for Jefferson," Eliza insists.

"Eliza, this is _Jefferson_ we're talking about," Hamilton reminds her. "The same guy who just called me God's mistake."

"You are _not_ God's mistake," Eliza comforts her husband.

"You're your parents' mistake," Burr blurts out.

Laurens shrieks and pounces on Burr, hissing and clawing at him like some psycho cat. He pushes Burr over and starts screeching nonstop. Laurens bites Burr's face. Burr screams.

"DON'T CALL MY CHILD A MISTAKE!" Laurens yells in Burr's face.

"Why didn't you do this to Jefferson?" Burr shouts back.

"I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TOUCHING JEFFERSON'S BODY," Laurens screams.

"But you feel comfortable touching mine?" Burr asks.

"Oh my," Lafayette says.

"Laurens you need to calm down," Hamilton tells his...father? If Hamilton is Laurens' child, then that makes Laurens Hamilton's daddy. Or mommy.

Laurens doesn't listen. He shoves his tongue up Burr's nostril and flips it around wildly up in there. He pulls out some boogers.

"YOUR SNOT TASTES BAD," Laurens tells him loudly.

"I think that was worse for you than me," Burr says.

Hamilton and Eliza pull Laurens off Burr. Burr gets up.

"Thanks guys," he says.

"I'm mad at you," Hamilton tells him.

"Let's go take Jefferson to the hospital," Eliza says.

Hamilton puts Laurens on the ground and sits on top of him to keep him still. Laurens stops struggling. Apparently having Hamilton sit on him calms him down. Burr saves that information because he has a strange feeling he will need it later.

 _"Why_ though?" Hamilton asks.

"Because you knocked him out," Angelica says.

"Yes." Hamilton agrees. "And?"

"He needs medical attention," Eliza says.

"So do I," Burr puts in. "I might have rabies now." He glares at laurens.

"You've always had rabies," Lafayette scoffs.

"If that's true how am I still alive?" Burr argues.

"Hmmm..." Lafayette pauses, thinking. "Touche."

"Who's going to drive Jefferson's car?" Mulligan tries to get everyone back on topic.

"Definitely not me." Hamilton shudders. "You can smell the dead bodies from a mile away. Inside, it must be even worse."

"We all kind of assumed you'd be driving your own car, Alexander," Burr sighs.

"Did you say dead bodies?" Lafayette adds, looking nauseous.

"Since clearly none of you will, I'll take Jefferson's car," Burr volunteers quickly, not wanting to evaluate on the dead bodies supposedly in Jefferson's car. Hamilton is drunk, he doesn't know what he's talking about, Burr told himself. There were no dead bodies in Jefferson's car.

He's smart enough to have disposed of them elsewhere.

Unless...Hamilton put them there to frame Jefferson...

NO, Burr tells himself firmly. THERE ARE NO DEAD BODIES IN JEFFERSON'S CAR, END OF DISCUSSION.

Hamilton scrambles off Laurens and falls to is knees before Burr. "Thank you, Aaron Burr, sir, for your great and noble sacrfice!" He says, bowing his upper body. He sounds sincere and dead-serious, which does not surprise Burr in the least bit. Hamilton pulls a doctor face mask thing out of his pocket, because apparently he caries them with him. "You'll need this, for the dead body smell." He hands it to Burr.

"Uh...no thanks." Burr pushes it back.

"This is a sacrifice you do not need to make," Hamilton insists, shoving the mask in Burr's face.

"Your smell is worse than the dead bodies ever could be." Burr shoves it back again.

Hamilton shrugs. "Fair enough. I haven't showered in a month."

"I like your scent," moans Laurens.

"I like yours too," Hamilton moans back. They snort each other.

"Okay, okay let's go to the hospital already!" Burr says, trying to hide his jealousy of Laurens. No, he tells himself, I do NOT want Hamilton to snort me, and I sure as heck don't want to snort him. He STINKS! "Mulligan, you;re coming with me."

"what no not again," Mulligan complains.

"You won't fit in Hamilton's car with Laurens and Eliza and Angelica _and_ Lafayette," Burr points out. "There's no way Angelica and Eliza will go with me-"

"You got that right," Angelica agrees. Eliza nods, having the decency to look a little embarrassed.

"-And I don't trust Laurens or Lafayette not to strangle me," Burr finishes.

"You got _that_ right, too," Laurens says. Lafayette pounds his fist into his palm in a gesture threatening to punch Burr.

"Just don't moan like a dying male bandicoot going into labor this time," Mulligan orders Burr.

"No promises." Burr shrugs cheerfully. "Can you carry Jefferson?"

"Yeah sure." Mulligan drags Jefferson across the room by his feet.

"Oh my," Lafayette says.

"You like that?" Mulligan winks at him.

"You know it," Lafayette winks back.

Burr sighs. "Can you carry him, you know, normally?"

"Is there even a way to carry a person normally?" Laurens wonders.

"Well sure but I'm not going to do it," Mulligan says. "This is honking Jefferson guys I mean really."

"I enjoy watching you carry him like this," Hamilton offers.

"Oh God Alex." Burr sighs. "You need to _think_ before you say things like that."

"Like you _thought_ before calling me my parents' mistake?" Hamilton retorts.

"Uh-well-th-that was-uh-" Burr sputters. He clenches his fists, and moans, "Okay, fine, you're right."

"I SAID NO MOANING!" Mulligan yells at Burr, dropping Jefferson's lower body, which he was holding, onto the ground, and glaring at Burr.

Burr crosses his arms. "You said no moaning like a dying male bandicoot going into labor. I moaned like a living female bandicoot going into labor."

"I don't zink zat iz much bezer," Lafayette puts in.

"Put a baguette in it," Burr snaps.

"A'ight." Lafayette walks into his kitchen-Burr has forgotten they were in Lafayette's house until now- and returns holding a baguette which he stuffs in his mouth.

"You are _sooooooo_ stupid," Burr sighs.

"No, _drunk,"_ Lafayette corrects him. He looks Burr up and down. "You have no excuse." Burr gives him a middle finger, which Lafayette is all to happy to return.

"Can we just go already? I think Jefferson is going to die soon," Eliza says.

"Oh, goody!" Laurens claps his hands and jumps up and down like the smol child. Angelica glares at him and Eliza gives him a disgusted look but he doesn't stop.

"I didn't punch him _that_ hard," Hamilton scoffs.

Even so, Hamilton goes outside to the cars. Burr and the others follow him. Mulligan is already loading Jefferson into the trunk. It looks like he is trying to hide a dead body, like the ones supposedly in the car. Burr hopes that nobody is watching because they would probably call the police and the last thing Burr needs right now is the po-po chasing them.

Or actually it might be nice (it might be niiiiiiiice) if Hamilton was arrested for assault. He really had punched Jefferson hard. Maybe Burr should try to act like a victim. That was Hamilton would get in even more trouble, and Burr would be off the hook-the fuzz wouldn't think he had anything to do with Jefferson's unconsciousness.

"No don't punch me!" Burr screams.

"What the-?" Hamilton says.

"STOP PUNCHING ME HAMILTON LIKE YOU PUNCHED JEFFERSON!" Burr yells.

"I'm not punching you," Hamilton stares at Burr. "Wow. Maybe you really _do_ have rabies."

Well _that_ didn't work. But maybe somebody has overheard and called the cops.

Burr gets in to the driver's seat of the car. Mulligan sits in the back. Burr double-strapped him with two seat belts, because he's pretty sure Mulligan would kill him if he has the freedom to move and attack.

For about ten minutes Burr drives Jefferson's car, with Hamilton behind him-maybe not the best arrangement what with Hamilton being drunk and all. With the insane people coughhamiltoncough in the other car, there's no screaming, no temper tantrums, no little...incidents...

Despite the odd stench of Jefferson's car (not dead bodies, there's no way it's dead bodies) it is the first time Burr has ever been happy and peaceful since meeting Hamilton.

The the first sound comes.

It is the sound of sirens.

Burr says the naughty French word.

* * *

whooo! Okay as I said so sorry for such a late update! I really need to be more on top of this...like Hamilton's on top of Laurens ;3

so this Monday is Burr's birthday! I'm going to make a little BurrHam fanfic for that, in case there's anyone out there who craves more (there won't be tons of it in this story)

see you next time...realistically that'll probably be a month or so but let's hope I'll update chapter six sooner!


End file.
